Turn around

I only like my church for my pastor, he always speaks with light. Today he spoke right to me and it was conferring because I know it is not his words but God's words. God knew that I NEEDED my confidence back and today it was given to me. There are no greater gift than what God gives us and what he gives us is no like what anyone else can give us. I feel bad about the confidence that has been given to me but it was the thing that will pull me out of the hole that I have been living in. My pastor told us that darkness can be a blessing to our lives and help our walk with God. Which is what I want the most; is to walk right alone side God, no matter what the cost. Of course, I want my life to go perfect and stay happy but that would be for the world and not the kingdom of heaven, not for God. Our goal in life is suppose to be to glorify God. Why? So people will come closer to God. Why does that matter? Cause if you do not have Jesus you can not go to heaven and I am telling you if you love someone you want them to go to heaven. It might not be the best way to look at it, but God propose of my life is not to put it in the best ways. But ways that you can understand. You may look at me different cause of my faith but that what it is, mine. 

Coming out

There is almost no turning back now, I am surprise I am even able to stay at the house alone. I am to the point where I just do not care anymore. My foster parents have no clue that they are just making it worse. I want to ask this question, how in the world are they showing they love me by doing this. Ok yeah, I did something wrong, take something away my phone, my computer, my keys for a week or something, but taking responsibility away is not the way to go. If they want to take this away from me than fine, I am not going to do anything to help you. they have basically replaced me anyway. Thanks for making me feel wanted. What they do not know is, I am the master of rebellion. The problem is that I know that is not how I should act, I know it will make everything worse. They do not understand that I am going through a lot, they are so blind. I just want them to be there for me, instead for me feeling like they are against me. Why do not they just help me, instead of making me feel worse about myself. Truthfully, I just feel like I am a problem, a burden, now more than ever. Since Mr. John is not letting me watch the kids anymore he is bring Mrs. Stephanie's sister down to help him with the kids. She is taking over my room, therefore, I plan on leaving the house. It will probably be good for me to get out and refresh. I know I should talk to Mr. John and do not get me wrong I want to, but fear is holding me back.

Need to do something

After a day of doing what I wanted to do it ended in depressed me. The girls did not go to swim practice so I did not have to drive until later. I was planning on going out anyways, I have always been aloud to see my real parents. Lately I have not seen them because my car has been out of service and my foster parents do not want me out with their cars. My morning call from Mr. John had me going out to Gracie's daycare, because he forgot to bring her bottles. Gave me the perfect excuse to be out and about this morning. The only problem I had was,  I was babysitting the girls. Our foster parents are not fond of our parents seeing the girls like ever. After a long (not really) conversation with myself, I decided that it was their God given right to see them. Knowing of course the girls could not keep there mouth shut, I still told them to keep quit about see our parents. The girls did end up telling Mr. John every detail, which I denied not because I did not want to get in trouble. No, what was he going to ground me from, babysitting. I hide it because you know what I do not even know why. My mind is still not thinking clearly at some points, I have been working on it and it has been doing pretty good, but I guess it still can not handle wrongness haha. I ended up lying again after we came home from a long day. My judgement is the same as a fifteen year old. Lets just say I thought about how angry I was and went back to locking myself in my room, crying, and watching movies just to get me to fall asleep. I am just glad that I do not have to wake up tomorrow and no children. Just so I can anger myself some more great.

6-2-13

I never want to get up on Sunday mornings, I think that church should start a bit later. The only part I like about church is our pastor, I like what he preaches dose not make me want to go to sleep. To my surprise, a guy that I am interested in came to my Sunday school class. It made my day to see him even though I did not know what his reason was. I realized today that I really just need to back up from guys all together and let them come to me, I maybe much happier that way. I also in-love with someone but we can not be together. He is different from anyone I ever meet, it is likely that I will not see him much anymore. He will always be my best friend and be the model for someone I want to marry.  After church we always have lunch with Mr. John's mom, I normally love her lunch but today she made something I did not like. I believe we stayed there a little too long because as soon as we got home Mr. John had to leave for a meeting at church. I cooked the kids corn dogs for dinner and I do not like hot dogs either. I know it is my fault for being picky but I never choose to not like many foods. 

6-1-13

I woke up this morning not think that it was my last night in that room. The day was slow and everyone stayed in their pajamas the whole day. We were going to go to the pool but it was raining. We probably could have still gone to the pool, but the boys were ready to switch rooms. I was told when I first got here the summer that we were going to switch rooms at some point in the summer. No one woke this morning thinking that this would be the day. The boys were getting too big for their small room together and I had a whole big loft upstairs, it made since to move me around. Even though this is my third room of mine on this house. My first room was a nursery but at the time we did not have any babies and they did not think they would add on anymore. Things never happen the way they planned, I had only been off to collage for a month when they got Grace. It did made me feel like I was being replaced but no one excepted her to come along. For a few months after she came I was not fond of her but she was my own flesh and blood and how can you be mad at a baby. Even though I am not mad at her, I still do not like what happened with bringing her into the world. I fell asleep when we all got together to watch a movie, the move must have worn me out. Then right when everyone was going to bed, Mrs. Stephanie called and it did not make me feel any better about her. She did not even say hi to me and for awhile it was just Mr. John and me talking to her. It like she did not even know I was there, ugh! I hope things change when she gets back because I would hate for it to be like this when Mr. John is gone. 

5-31-13

First thing this morning I was already watching the kids. Mr. John always makes sure I am up before he leaves for work, and I make sure he dose not leave anything behind. Grace went to daycare today because it would make easier to babysit plus it dose not cost my foster parents money to send her. Mr. John did not even get to finish strapping Grace in the car set when the guy across the street came over to tell mr. John how much his guy would cost to fix my car. I had came outside to give mr. John Grace's bottles. It was a very good start to my day to know my car would be picked up this afternoon. Most of the day the kids were glued to the tv, which is good and bad at the same time. After lunch, I urged them to get out of the house and took them next door to swim for awhile. Taking the opportunity without many eyes watching me, I decided to throw the younger one in the deep end. She knows how to swim but lately she has not even want to get in the pool. I wanted her to trust the water again so she can have fun with the rest of us. I tried a week before to calmly taking her out and showing her that she can trust that nothing will happen to her, but it did not help she just screamed. Just throwing her made her have to swim and it seemed to help. The other kids did not think it was nice of me so they throw me in fully clothed. The girls was getting on edge and it was time for their nap. With only five hours of sleep, while the girls were napping I took a nap as well; the boys were again glued to the tv so I had no worries. I stated dinner just in time for mr. John to get home and my car to leave the house. This was a better day then I could have imagined and now I can just relax. 

5-30-13

Less than twenty four hours until Mrs. Stephanie leaves on her mission trip to Africa. She has been going to Africa for about five years now but this is only my second year for me that I have been with her. Last year her days before leaving seemed like every other day, it was simple to me she left and than came back. This year she has stressed about every little thing and I assume many things because of it. It has not helped that I have not been a good mood most of my time back home. It had only been a day since I tried straighten up but when I woke up this morning everyone was gone. They had to get up at seven this morning to go to swim practice, I was still asleep when they left. The irony of it is this the only day I was prepared to be woken up early the rest of the mornings it was a dread. I guess I don't blain her for not waking me up after I have just been fighting about it. You would think though that the day she leaves it would be important to spend as much time with her as I can. I decided to spend my morning productive because the next few day I will not have any time to do anything for myself. After Mrs. Stephanie got home I spend the rest of the day hanging around thinking that was spending time with her when I did not feel included at all. I infant, have felt like she could care less if I spend time with her or not. Deep down I know that is not true but I still think I am the one who is lest important and I am probably right, her action kind of show it. I deal with it anyway and sitting around watching; which at some points make me angry. I am not looking forward to the time for her to actually leave, one because I really dislikes good-byes. Two I really am going to miss her and I do not really thinks she realizes that. This week she has made me dislike the whole adopted thing more than ever. I have never been convinced that anyone could love them the same way as their own children. I believe I have seen it but the question is am I seeing what I want to see. I just do not understand what could be so different from this summer from last summer. Is it because I have went off for collage or without my car do I feel trapped. 

weeks, too many

Three weeks ago, I came home to my foster parents, two foster brothers, and three of my sisters. The people that has been my family for almost two years now. As we live life the one thing that is constant for our generation, no matter if the location changes, is school. Therefore, it was natural to go to college. I finished my first year on the edge of strong, just to go back and continue my life where I had left it off. The problem with that is I had just spent a year doing what I thought was right and the way I thought it has be done, to go back to being dependable on people who I did not always agree with. When I packed my bags to come to what I call home, I was excited. I never thought of home as a horrible place to be, how could I, I had people who loved me and was always considerate of me. The day after coming home my only way to get around, died right in front of my ex-boyfriends house.  I was not too down about my car going on me, I had a wonderful friend that was willing to come get me so we could hang out. A few days into hanging out many days, we became what I had waited for in the last couple of months. I was excited to have him as my boyfriend even though he worked, he still found the time for me. Without an understanding, a week later he ended it, just like that. It still puzzles me, I have hoped for months and had a crush on him for about a year. I was heart broken about it even if it was only for a week, without him I had no one and no way around. I spent many days sitting around the house bored, finding out I really did not have friends and the more I sat the more I thought, and the more I thought the more depressed I became. I had stop being able to sleep, I came off the pills I was addicted to, I had stop being able to make wise decisions. I want my life to disappear, so I thought of things that would do that. I thought I would just end my life, as my plan was in action I was caught, just to find out that the pills would not have killed me. My next option was to put my life on hold and forget about everything for the time being and there was only one thing I knew would do that. I had planned it all out, and as it went into action I wanted out but I did not know how to, being protected by someone very special to me, I was caught. I finally saw the only way I could get out of this mess was to straighten up so I could be happy again. I had so much I had to be happy for and I had no clue how I gotten into this mess in the first place. I having to deal with the consequences of what I did and it took awhile to strengthen up but in the end I was thankful that I had great people looking out for me.