5-31-13

First thing this morning I was already watching the kids. Mr. John always makes sure I am up before he leaves for work, and I make sure he dose not leave anything behind. Grace went to daycare today because it would make easier to babysit plus it dose not cost my foster parents money to send her. Mr. John did not even get to finish strapping Grace in the car set when the guy across the street came over to tell mr. John how much his guy would cost to fix my car. I had came outside to give mr. John Grace's bottles. It was a very good start to my day to know my car would be picked up this afternoon. Most of the day the kids were glued to the tv, which is good and bad at the same time. After lunch, I urged them to get out of the house and took them next door to swim for awhile. Taking the opportunity without many eyes watching me, I decided to throw the younger one in the deep end. She knows how to swim but lately she has not even want to get in the pool. I wanted her to trust the water again so she can have fun with the rest of us. I tried a week before to calmly taking her out and showing her that she can trust that nothing will happen to her, but it did not help she just screamed. Just throwing her made her have to swim and it seemed to help. The other kids did not think it was nice of me so they throw me in fully clothed. The girls was getting on edge and it was time for their nap. With only five hours of sleep, while the girls were napping I took a nap as well; the boys were again glued to the tv so I had no worries. I stated dinner just in time for mr. John to get home and my car to leave the house. This was a better day then I could have imagined and now I can just relax. 

5-30-13

Less than twenty four hours until Mrs. Stephanie leaves on her mission trip to Africa. She has been going to Africa for about five years now but this is only my second year for me that I have been with her. Last year her days before leaving seemed like every other day, it was simple to me she left and than came back. This year she has stressed about every little thing and I assume many things because of it. It has not helped that I have not been a good mood most of my time back home. It had only been a day since I tried straighten up but when I woke up this morning everyone was gone. They had to get up at seven this morning to go to swim practice, I was still asleep when they left. The irony of it is this the only day I was prepared to be woken up early the rest of the mornings it was a dread. I guess I don't blain her for not waking me up after I have just been fighting about it. You would think though that the day she leaves it would be important to spend as much time with her as I can. I decided to spend my morning productive because the next few day I will not have any time to do anything for myself. After Mrs. Stephanie got home I spend the rest of the day hanging around thinking that was spending time with her when I did not feel included at all. I infant, have felt like she could care less if I spend time with her or not. Deep down I know that is not true but I still think I am the one who is lest important and I am probably right, her action kind of show it. I deal with it anyway and sitting around watching; which at some points make me angry. I am not looking forward to the time for her to actually leave, one because I really dislikes good-byes. Two I really am going to miss her and I do not really thinks she realizes that. This week she has made me dislike the whole adopted thing more than ever. I have never been convinced that anyone could love them the same way as their own children. I believe I have seen it but the question is am I seeing what I want to see. I just do not understand what could be so different from this summer from last summer. Is it because I have went off for collage or without my car do I feel trapped. 

weeks, too many

Three weeks ago, I came home to my foster parents, two foster brothers, and three of my sisters. The people that has been my family for almost two years now. As we live life the one thing that is constant for our generation, no matter if the location changes, is school. Therefore, it was natural to go to college. I finished my first year on the edge of strong, just to go back and continue my life where I had left it off. The problem with that is I had just spent a year doing what I thought was right and the way I thought it has be done, to go back to being dependable on people who I did not always agree with. When I packed my bags to come to what I call home, I was excited. I never thought of home as a horrible place to be, how could I, I had people who loved me and was always considerate of me. The day after coming home my only way to get around, died right in front of my ex-boyfriends house.  I was not too down about my car going on me, I had a wonderful friend that was willing to come get me so we could hang out. A few days into hanging out many days, we became what I had waited for in the last couple of months. I was excited to have him as my boyfriend even though he worked, he still found the time for me. Without an understanding, a week later he ended it, just like that. It still puzzles me, I have hoped for months and had a crush on him for about a year. I was heart broken about it even if it was only for a week, without him I had no one and no way around. I spent many days sitting around the house bored, finding out I really did not have friends and the more I sat the more I thought, and the more I thought the more depressed I became. I had stop being able to sleep, I came off the pills I was addicted to, I had stop being able to make wise decisions. I want my life to disappear, so I thought of things that would do that. I thought I would just end my life, as my plan was in action I was caught, just to find out that the pills would not have killed me. My next option was to put my life on hold and forget about everything for the time being and there was only one thing I knew would do that. I had planned it all out, and as it went into action I wanted out but I did not know how to, being protected by someone very special to me, I was caught. I finally saw the only way I could get out of this mess was to straighten up so I could be happy again. I had so much I had to be happy for and I had no clue how I gotten into this mess in the first place. I having to deal with the consequences of what I did and it took awhile to strengthen up but in the end I was thankful that I had great people looking out for me.