Turn around

I only like my church for my pastor, he always speaks with light. Today he spoke right to me and it was conferring because I know it is not his words but God's words. God knew that I NEEDED my confidence back and today it was given to me. There are no greater gift than what God gives us and what he gives us is no like what anyone else can give us. I feel bad about the confidence that has been given to me but it was the thing that will pull me out of the hole that I have been living in. My pastor told us that darkness can be a blessing to our lives and help our walk with God. Which is what I want the most; is to walk right alone side God, no matter what the cost. Of course, I want my life to go perfect and stay happy but that would be for the world and not the kingdom of heaven, not for God. Our goal in life is suppose to be to glorify God. Why? So people will come closer to God. Why does that matter? Cause if you do not have Jesus you can not go to heaven and I am telling you if you love someone you want them to go to heaven. It might not be the best way to look at it, but God propose of my life is not to put it in the best ways. But ways that you can understand. You may look at me different cause of my faith but that what it is, mine. 

Coming out

There is almost no turning back now, I am surprise I am even able to stay at the house alone. I am to the point where I just do not care anymore. My foster parents have no clue that they are just making it worse. I want to ask this question, how in the world are they showing they love me by doing this. Ok yeah, I did something wrong, take something away my phone, my computer, my keys for a week or something, but taking responsibility away is not the way to go. If they want to take this away from me than fine, I am not going to do anything to help you. they have basically replaced me anyway. Thanks for making me feel wanted. What they do not know is, I am the master of rebellion. The problem is that I know that is not how I should act, I know it will make everything worse. They do not understand that I am going through a lot, they are so blind. I just want them to be there for me, instead for me feeling like they are against me. Why do not they just help me, instead of making me feel worse about myself. Truthfully, I just feel like I am a problem, a burden, now more than ever. Since Mr. John is not letting me watch the kids anymore he is bring Mrs. Stephanie's sister down to help him with the kids. She is taking over my room, therefore, I plan on leaving the house. It will probably be good for me to get out and refresh. I know I should talk to Mr. John and do not get me wrong I want to, but fear is holding me back.

Need to do something

After a day of doing what I wanted to do it ended in depressed me. The girls did not go to swim practice so I did not have to drive until later. I was planning on going out anyways, I have always been aloud to see my real parents. Lately I have not seen them because my car has been out of service and my foster parents do not want me out with their cars. My morning call from Mr. John had me going out to Gracie's daycare, because he forgot to bring her bottles. Gave me the perfect excuse to be out and about this morning. The only problem I had was,  I was babysitting the girls. Our foster parents are not fond of our parents seeing the girls like ever. After a long (not really) conversation with myself, I decided that it was their God given right to see them. Knowing of course the girls could not keep there mouth shut, I still told them to keep quit about see our parents. The girls did end up telling Mr. John every detail, which I denied not because I did not want to get in trouble. No, what was he going to ground me from, babysitting. I hide it because you know what I do not even know why. My mind is still not thinking clearly at some points, I have been working on it and it has been doing pretty good, but I guess it still can not handle wrongness haha. I ended up lying again after we came home from a long day. My judgement is the same as a fifteen year old. Lets just say I thought about how angry I was and went back to locking myself in my room, crying, and watching movies just to get me to fall asleep. I am just glad that I do not have to wake up tomorrow and no children. Just so I can anger myself some more great.

6-2-13

I never want to get up on Sunday mornings, I think that church should start a bit later. The only part I like about church is our pastor, I like what he preaches dose not make me want to go to sleep. To my surprise, a guy that I am interested in came to my Sunday school class. It made my day to see him even though I did not know what his reason was. I realized today that I really just need to back up from guys all together and let them come to me, I maybe much happier that way. I also in-love with someone but we can not be together. He is different from anyone I ever meet, it is likely that I will not see him much anymore. He will always be my best friend and be the model for someone I want to marry.  After church we always have lunch with Mr. John's mom, I normally love her lunch but today she made something I did not like. I believe we stayed there a little too long because as soon as we got home Mr. John had to leave for a meeting at church. I cooked the kids corn dogs for dinner and I do not like hot dogs either. I know it is my fault for being picky but I never choose to not like many foods. 

6-1-13

I woke up this morning not think that it was my last night in that room. The day was slow and everyone stayed in their pajamas the whole day. We were going to go to the pool but it was raining. We probably could have still gone to the pool, but the boys were ready to switch rooms. I was told when I first got here the summer that we were going to switch rooms at some point in the summer. No one woke this morning thinking that this would be the day. The boys were getting too big for their small room together and I had a whole big loft upstairs, it made since to move me around. Even though this is my third room of mine on this house. My first room was a nursery but at the time we did not have any babies and they did not think they would add on anymore. Things never happen the way they planned, I had only been off to collage for a month when they got Grace. It did made me feel like I was being replaced but no one excepted her to come along. For a few months after she came I was not fond of her but she was my own flesh and blood and how can you be mad at a baby. Even though I am not mad at her, I still do not like what happened with bringing her into the world. I fell asleep when we all got together to watch a movie, the move must have worn me out. Then right when everyone was going to bed, Mrs. Stephanie called and it did not make me feel any better about her. She did not even say hi to me and for awhile it was just Mr. John and me talking to her. It like she did not even know I was there, ugh! I hope things change when she gets back because I would hate for it to be like this when Mr. John is gone.